Wednesday, April 29, 2015

Because I am Made of Love

Growing up with the best parents, I never knew what it meant to fend for yourself and go through life the harder way. I never knew what it meant to have to struggle day by day on the street because I grew up in a warm, loving home. Even though my parents are not billionaires, I lived happier than a princess probably does. Even though things got tough at times, I was never refused of what I wanted and deprived of what I needed.

Moving away from away from home, moving to start my new life at college, going from 11347 Pondhurst Way to 1411 Anacapa Hall, from the girl who never needed to do her laundry to the girl who has to set alarms to take out the clothes from the laundry room down the hall, from the girl who always came home to her room cleaned through and washed down to the girl whose living space looks more like a pigs tine, from the master bedroom to the third of a cubed room, from the stacked up closet full of clothes to a closet merely enough to hang two coats, from the comfortable bed and warm blankets to the hard bunk bed and scratchy duvet, I have cried. I have cried for the times I miss my parents so much, all I want to do is run home. I have cried for the times no one seems to understood but only pointed fingers. I have cried for the times gullibility turned into stupidity. I have cried for the unfairness I never knew of growing up so nicely. I have cried for growing up and moving onto real life.

Being at home was a privilege I always took for granted because I never knew how horrible real life is. Always being under my parents' protected, provided, and perfect embrace, I never knew how selfish and unkind people really are. Always being given every thing to, I never knew how disgusting people's motives are. All I ever wanted was to go running out to the sun, to play, to discover, to poke at all the things "life" has to offer outside of my parents' castle. All I ever wanted was to go and make my own decisions and manage my own time. But now, all I want to do is to be waken up to with my dad's occasional good morning kisses on the forehead and my mom's frequent slaps on the tushie. All I want to do is to be able to come home to my mom's or my aunt's cookings. All I want is to be able to stay in bed for as long as I want and know this is safe haven. All I want is to run to my parents' room and cuddle under the blanket and cry to them about the terrifying things I have learnt along the way of venturing out to the place they have always warned me of.

I have fallen; I have fallen to the disgusting impulses and temptations, I have fallen to the dark side I told myself I would never get in touch with, I have destroyed all that my loved ones have built up inside of me, I have fallen into the web of lies I, somehow, have weaved through, I have fallen into the trap of dishonest acquaintances and fake friends, I have fallen into the consequences of not knowing who is who, and I have definitely fallen into karma's hands. Feet deep of tears have been shed, tons full of words have been said, and a universe of thoughts have been created, I will be okay. Things are at the lowest of the lows right now, but the only way is up.

Because I am made of my mom's pure hearted, unconditional love and ocean of tears from the sadness of being apart from her daughter and the fears of her little girl falling, that I will forever be in debt to, I will be okay. Because I am made of my dad's sweat and blood through hard work and the wisest advices, I will be okay. Because of my little brother's admiration and the purest, most unconditional love I could ever get, and because of the reason, "For him, I will do it all." Because I am made of my grandparents' strength and perseverance, I will be okay. Because I am made of the lies and accusations from people I gave my whole heart to, I will be okay. And because I am made of the Universe's toughest stardust and most endurable bonds, I will be okay. Because I am made of hope, dreams, and faith from every single family member who has never left my side, I will be okay. For the least, I know that no matter what happens, I am made of so much love from the people who should be the only ones who matter to me. And now, I can add in there a few more factors, because I am made of my three ride or dies' enduring hope for the girl I have ruined, my twin's optimism and golden heart, my big bro's endless love and spoiling, my boyfriend's unwilling faith and love, my big sis' rescue at any given time of any given day, down to some of the sisters who never left me in the dark, down to the people I have completely brunt bridges with yet never left my side, I will be okay. Maybe not right now, but because of them, especially because I am made from my family's deepest love, strongest faith and utmost care, I will always be okay, and the storm is not going to gloom over my life anymore when I have thousands rays of sunshine, I shouldn't and will not be scared of a little gloomy cloud. 

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