Tuesday, April 28, 2015

Keep the Walk

Trust is so fragile; once it's lost, you cannot really reclaim it back. Of course chances of it being earned back is likely, but it's never going to be the same as it was before. What do you do then? 

You start anew...

Relationships are the world's biggest sore loser; it could literally lift you up to your highest peak of life, just to drop you down a billion feet lower. I never really understood the phrase, "you lose when you grow," I never understood why you have to lose in order to grow. Not until know, anyway. Seven months of college, trials after trials and errors after errors, I have learned the most important thing, "Don't ever try to reach for better when you already have the best." Because holy smokes, it hurts when that "better" leave you and then you're too shameful to come running back to the best. In friendships, sisterhood, whatever it is, trust is honestly the world's biggest bitch. You think you can just hand someone your life thinking he or she has your back, just to find out they threw it under the train seconds after your back is turned. Trials after trials, I have learned that you should never give someone your trust completely, because when he or she betrays it, you don't really have anything left. 

And, damn, karma is a bitch. The energy you put into the world, really does come back to you, but god, it comes back ten times as hard. I have successfully realized who I am not and who I really am; through errors after errors, I have learnt who I really want to be and should be. It's really tiring to be the lying spider who keeps spinning its web of lies just to cover for something that was supposed to be so little and irrelevant. But, honesty really sucks, too. Being honest is so difficult when you always get the shittier end of things when you choose to tell the truth. 

"When you screw up, it's good to acknowledge it, but it doesn't mean anyone has to acknowledged." 

I think I found a solution, maybe it's a temporary one, but for now, I have decided on a path that I, myself, can be okay with following. From now on, words will only come out as truthful as they could be, actions will only happen as genuine as they could be, and feelings will only be felt as honest as they could be. Thank you to my mentor, I have finally realized that the issue was never with what people think of me, but what I think of myself. As long as I go back to the path I was meant to follow all along, the path of giving and selflessness. And problems will fix themselves as I fix my bad habits and this will mark the growing point of my life and my journey. People are only temporary, but self, self is forever. I need to first forgive myself and enhance myself first before fixing any damaged bridge I have ruined along the way. Then on, as long as I forgive myself, and change for who I really am, nothing else matters. 

Step one, the Han I was never left. Step two, forgive myself. Step three, start being real. Step four, walk the talk. Step 5, keep the walk. 

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